Following the success of my experimental ‘Hello’ video, I decided to put my next blog subject to video. I’m having fun with this whole filming and editing process, and I think I’m getting better at it. I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments and experiences. What would you do if you knew someone’s partner was cheating on them?
In my video I address three common approaches:
- Say nothing.
- Tell the cheating partner you know what they’ve done and give an ultimatum for them to be honest.
- Go directly to the person being cheated on and tell them what you know.
A couple of things I don’t mention in my video is that if you do decide to intervene in an unfaithful relationship, make sure you KNOW for sure or have at least seen the infidelity for yourself. You don’t want to jeopardise someone’s relationship on a mere hunch. Any evidence you can provide is a huge help.
Also, be prepared for to be called a liar, and be prepared to lose one or more friendships. Not everyone reacts well to the truth. With that said, life doesn’t always unfold in an instantaneous way. You never know, though things might get ugly for a while, your friend may well thank you in time.
In my video I also relay a personal story on this subject. In short, not everyone wants to shoot the bearer of bad news. Someone of us will be forever grateful to those who pluck up the courage to share what they know.
Take a look at my video here:
Hope you enjoyed today’s post. I love reading and responding to everyone’s comments, so feel free to leave a comment of your own.
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MIke Mike
December 21, 2014 - 8:24 pm ·I enjoyed your latest video Katarina! The one thing you didn’t address that helps determine how you let the cheated on person know is this: How did I find out? Unless I actually saw the two having sex – I would only be making an assumption. I might very well be right – but unless I KNEW (highly unlikely) I couldn’t honestly say: Hey – did you know that your partner is cheating on you?
Katerina Simms
December 24, 2014 - 12:52 pm ·Yes, I didn’t mention that in the video but I did say something about knowing for sure in the body of text. I think if I just suspected, I might hint to my friend that something seemed off, but beyond that there’s not much you can do.
Q (@Talk2Q)
December 24, 2014 - 9:18 am ·Nice video! Although I think your reasons are great I do think that these type of things are situational. Like Mike, I think there has to be hard evidence of the cheating. Secondly, the type of friendship you have determines what is said as well. I would prefer to leave a hint if at all possible or even comment anonymously before actually saying something. When people are in love they tend not to be rational. Not even with friends and family. So, I would do everything I could to avoid being the one to tell.
Katerina Simms
December 24, 2014 - 12:58 pm ·Hi Q. Definitely, it does depend on your relationship with the ‘wronged’ party and the circumstances around how and what you know. Though the video does not mention it, the written blog post itself does say you should know for sure that something is up before saying anything about a cheating partner. Like you, I’d likely hint if I didn’t have anything solid to go by. Even with the ex I mention in the video, I suspected something and had seen some signs myself; but even just having my sister from time to time say “You know a relationship doesn’t have to be this hard”, helped in my eventual leaving. The fact the other woman came forward was a bonus. I think whatever little thing you can do is better than nothing 🙂
OrangeWizard
December 25, 2014 - 3:47 am ·Hey Katerina,
I’ve been in this situation. My best friend was cheating on his girl. And So I confronted him and had a heart to heart with him and we both agreed that he was better than this. We agreed that he needs to be with ONE. AND, if he’s choosing his current GF, he HAS to tell her because that’s just the fair thing to do. If, however, he’s choosing the other girl, he needs to break up with his GF, and then, its alright if he decides NOT to tell her that he cheated. And that’s what he did. He was not happy with his GF, so they broke off, he didnt tell her they cheated as he wanted to let her down gently, and as unfair as it was of him to cheat, this truth would only have hurt his GF more. Besides there were enough reasons to cite for the breakup as neither of them were happy in the relationship.
That being said, I do believe these situations are rather tricky and MOST subjective in nature.
I strongly feel that a general applicable-to-all solution is not something one can come up with in cases such as these.
Thank you for the video. Its made well.
p.s. everything apart, GOSH you’re beautiful and seem downright Lovely. WTH was wrong with the dude who cheated on you?
Katerina Simms
December 25, 2014 - 9:38 am ·Thank you, that’s very sweet of you. 😀
You’re right it really does depend on the relationship and where one plans to go with it. It probably made more sense for you to talk to your friend as your connection is mostly with him and not his girlfriend. Your friend wasn’t asking for his relationship with his girlfriend to continue, so I think it was understandable that he didn’t want to hurt her for no reason. If he were looking to still be with her, that’s another matter. My video mostly relates to if a couple are considering whether to still be together, the wronged party must know all the details so they can make an informed choice, otherwise the lies just continue.
Couples can overcome betrayal, but absolute transparency and trust needs to be restored. In my ex’s case, he continued to lie even after the truth came out, which makes a huge difference to if someone just came out and admitted their wrong.
RedWizard
December 26, 2014 - 8:15 pm ·Right.
Your case DOES sound rather tough.
Glad you made out of that.
I have a question though. How come you aren’t smiling in your profile picture? You have a really pretty smile (NOT hitting on you). Smile more often in pictures! Like you do in your video!
And about what you said.
“Couples can overcome betrayal….restored.”
I am not sure how. I haven’t personally seen any cases of that happening. They might make their peace but that’s about it. They’re not in love anymore. It just isn’t the same, unless they harbor the tendencies of “swingers”(for lack of a better word).
Just HOW does the trust get restored? That is my question….
Waiting..
Katerina Simms
December 26, 2014 - 9:03 pm ·I have seen couples overcomes such things. Could I? I don’t know… As you mentioned before with your friend, often cheating is a symptom of other things wrong in the relationship and even the ‘wronged’ person can understand that and maybe consider that they are in part to blame for pushing their partner way. Some people are able to heal the original issues that caused the cheating, they deem the relationship worth saving and move past the sting of betrayal. It’s likely a minority case, but it does happen. Some even report that their relationships are more fulfilling and stronger having gone through such an experience together.
VioletWizard
December 26, 2014 - 9:13 pm ·Thank you for your patience!
I’m still a little fuzzy about the whole “overcoming” concept. But then its all rather subjective, as are the cases it applies to. You worded it well though.
Cheerio!