There are Some Things Divorcees Don’t Need…

Bride and Groom kissing in church

This weekend I chanced upon a post by Matt Walsh titled, ‘My wife is not the person that I married’ and what he had to say about the topic of divorce really ground my gears. So much so that I find myself inspired to stand up for anyone who has been divorced and had to endure needless ignorance at the hands of people who, often have no experience of what a bad relationship is. I’m doing this not because I am a divorcee, but because one thing divorcees don’t need is more judgement and shame. 

Let me preface what I’m about to say by mentioning that I grew up in a family where everyone would have benefitted from my parents getting divorced. While I hate to quote Doctor Phil, he got it right when he said something along the lines of, “It’s better to be from a broken home, than to grow up in one.”

In Matt’s post he openly admits his own marriage is a relatively short one of three years (though he states he’s already endured some trials via having some kids and all that goes with it). He also states his marital inspiration comes from the strength of his own parents thirty-year marriage.

His article begins with this lovely/ sarcastic gem:

“Divorce party: a celebration of a broken vow. “Hooray! We quit on ourselves and each other! Now let’s dance!

I want to make it clear, my argument is not directed at Matt per say, but the assumptions anti-divorce advocates make when they claim that people who divorce do it for shallow reasons. I know a few divorcees, none of them ended their marriages for light reasons and none of them are named Kim Kardashian.

The people I talk about are people whose partner’s had taken to substance abuse, who were no longer safe around their children, they are often people who took themselves out of a marriage to save their own mental health.

“I guess that’s what people really mean when they say they want a divorce because their spouse “changed.” It’s not change itself they oppose, but changes that challenge them and make them uncomfortable. What they should say is: “I want a divorce because she changed in a way that doesn’t fit inside my comfort zone.”- Matt Walsh, My wife is not the same woman I married.

When the people I mention left their marriages (many of which were decades old) they did not do so because their partner decided switch to a different flavor of ice cream. They got out because it was a choice between the relationship and certain mental, physical or financial death.

Change in priorities sign

Some might read this and say my examples are extreme, yes they are, but the nature of emotional abuse isn’t always easy to spot. I’ve never been divorced, but I have had partners ‘change’ on me, my choices to leave were not because they simply didn’t ‘fit my comfort zone’.

Within a few years I’ve seen partners go from seemingly loving and well-adjusted individuals, to cold and sometimes cruel perpetrators, who readily doled out psychological abuse. The only thing that separates me from being one of the divorcees Matt mentions, is that despite my years with these partners, I was fortunate to leave before I made it down the isle.

Some people are not as lucky as me. Some partners hide behind their mask for years before they show their true colors. To argue that divorce is a flippant act, is to spit in the face of a range of abuse victims and worse still, is when one does so from the vantage point of a privileged position.

What Matt and those who might agree with his simplistic point of view fail to see, is that bad relationships are a slow and often invisible form of torture.

There is a relatively well-known story aligning bad relationships with being like a frog in hot water. If you place a frog in a pot of hot water, it will notice the heat and jump straight out. However, if you place the frog in lukewarm water and gradually increase the temperature the frog will not notice the heat and stay in the water until it dies.

It’s poor form to pressure or shame those who were brave enough to save themselves. Marriage shouldn’t be about grinning and bearing; to imply so is to guilt people into staying in sometimes-perilous situations.

The home I grew up in was akin to a warzone, for me that was ‘normal’ and I sought out the same kinds of familiarity in my earlier relationships. The fact my relationships weren’t as bad as what I’d experienced as a child meant I stuck it out longer than I should have. It took me a decade of dating to redefine what ‘normal’ actually was.

What Matt and others who hold his viewpoint fail to see, is that not everyone is afforded the same positive experiences and perhaps it’s best to take an “if I don’t know, don’t judge” approach to such matters.

“Divorcing someone because they change? You might as well divorce them because they breathe.” – Matt Walsh, My wife is not the same woman I married.

As the Sam Cooke song says, ‘change is gonna come‘, most reasonable people and divorcees realise this when they walk down the isle. What I refuse to agree with is that the mere fact of changing should be so trivialised. Yes, in my relationships I too changed, and thank fuck I did. I left and now I’m alive, in love and incredibly happy. I don’t, for a second, regret ‘quitting’ on those relationships. I would have done the same, marriage certificate or not.

Elderly couple under umbrella

We need to be aware that when society obtains certain rights, there will always be individuals who want to take it back to how it was. They have their own agenda; they don’t question how relinquishing these rights might effect others. I say this as someone who was born in the Mediterranean island of Malta. They were the second last country in the world to legalise divorce and that only occurred in 2011. My mother often told me stories of priests on the island knocking on the doors of women who had fled marriages. Many being victims of domestic violence or in situations where they’d moved on from a partner who, unbeknownst to them, had been carrying out illegal acts and gotten themselves long-term prison sentences.  These women had no legal right to end their marriages and the priests would visit every week to shame them into going back to their partner’s and to steer them away from their ‘lives of sin.’

Divorce is a right many have fought hard for, and like any right, it needs to be honoured and protected. Not for the Kim Kardashians of the world, but for those who would be voiceless and powerless amidst the hell they might otherwise be living.

Not all divorces stem from conditions as severe as I’ve mentioned, but imagine being in a marriage where one person, ten years in, decides they longer want to have sex – no explanation given. Their partner might suggest counselling or try to resolve the issue in other ways, but what do they do if this does not work, or the other person isn’t interested? Should the other partner be forced to endure a lifetime of celibacy? And chances are there are more issues to this relationship than just sex.

Many anti-divorce arguments ignore the fact that sometimes people find themselves divorced out of no choice of their own. A partner might run away with another lover. They might simply stop caring. Sometimes ‘change’ happens because one person has grown when the other hasn’t moved an inch in decades. This is why a lot of people who marry young don’t make it and why, these days, we encourage young ones to wait before ‘taking the plunge’.

I can understand why people speak against divorce. I get it. Divorce is scary, no one wants to believe it might happen to them and worse of all, no one wants to watch their dreams disintegrate around them. But to base opinions on fear and limited experience is, by nature, short-sighted and dangerous.

It is not fair to expect anyone to wait until their mental health or lives hang by a thread for them to justify leaving a poisonous relationship. ‘Sticking it out’ for the sake of ‘sticking it out’, in the end, does no one any favors. 

Divorcees do not need more shame. What anyone does with his or her life, which has no effect on you, is none of your business. If somebody wants to celebrate getting out of a bad situation, you know what? That’s fair enough.

 

 


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Image Credit: Katsu NojiriR/DV/RS, Travis Nep Smith

 

Katerina Simms is a Romance Writer & Recovering Former Mermaid, born on a sunny Mediterranean island. These days she resides in Melbourne, Australia, where she spends her days writing novels and musing on her highly successful blog. For regular updates, feel free to Subscribe to her newsletter.

There are 4 comments for this article
  1. Amy at 2:02 pm

    I first read Matts blog and came across yours in the comments section. I wholly agree with his perspective. I think that everyone that is tearing apart his point of view is missing something. I don’t believe he was picking out the divorcees that left because of ANY kind of abuse, or those that were in fact the ones that were left and cheated on. It’s not the divorcees that are the problem, but those who marry without any thought about what “Marriage” actually entails, those who don’t take that commitment seriously, those who cheat, or abuse their spouse. It’s this group who jump into marriage thinking “What the heck, there’s a way out just in case it’s not all the fun I thought it might be.” It doesn’t sound as if any of the divorced friends you are talking about are any of those people. I would say they sound like victim of, what I believe Matt to be saying, the growing trend of people who use marriage as a way to try on different partners. I had a friend that does just that. She’s on marriage 4, husband 3….Somewhere along the lines we have lost sight of what being married is. It seems it is just not as cherished a union as it was in the past. I plan on being married until I die. But, God forbid, if my husband turns a corner and cheats on me or abuses me in any way, you best believe I won’t be sticking around. But I never EVER married him thinking “I hope it works.” I believed in my heart it would, and not without some effort and struggles, But I knew there would also be many GREAT times! And I am thankful to have someone share this life with.

  2. Amy at 2:20 pm

    As an afterthought, I also know a divorced couple who BOTH had their faults, BOTH tried to work through them, and BOTH came to the decision to divorce. They are still friends. I have respect for them, as they both gave it their best effort to keep it together before deciding separating was the best option for both of their happiness.
    Divorce is not one size fits all option and it is unfair to lump divorcees into one group.

  3. Fred Brick at 6:26 pm

    The problem with you post is you are adressing another issue than Matt.

    TL;DR; -summary: People who choose to divorce amicably and without any threat and throw a party are being too cavalier about marriage and/or divorce.

    The long-winded version.

    What he said is couples who choose to divorce and celebrate that “because they changed” and throw parties are being much too cavalier about it.

    Also, resorting to drug abuse fall under the category “changed outside my comfort zone” and if you’re choosing not to help a drug abuser (even if dangerous as they are wont to be) then who is? Are you going to quit on you child if they become a drug abuser (and possibly a danger to you)? Even if there are actions you can take that mitigate that danger, like always meeting in a crowded place etc.?

    I realise not everyone is mentally and physically eguipped to take on everything, but shouldn’t we at least try to do our very best for those we promised to be committed to for the rest orf our lives?

    In cases where people married at 21 say they divorced because people changed is adressed by Matt’s blog: you didn’t do your research, again being too cavalier about the act of marriage.

    I’m still happily married, going on thirteen years (dated for five years) with three children and we’ve had and held together for better of for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health and probably until death do us part. Will my wife ever change outside my comfort zone? Maybe. Will I try to work on myself to accomodate that change? Definetly. Will I succeed? I don’t know, hence “_probably_ till death do us part”.

    Is marriage a religious act? No. Should it be? It may, but marrying because your religion dictates that you must would be marrying for the wrong reasons.
    Is it a sin to be divorced? No.
    Will I ever throw a party because I got divorced? NOT EVER! No matter the reason.
    Should people be allowed to divorce? Definetly.
    Should they be ashamed? No, unless they do it for the wrong reasons.

    Celebrating you own poor choice IS stupid in my opinion. You are entitled to yours, naturally, but like I said, you are addressing divorce as a whole when Matt is adressing people who choose to divorce not because the situation they are in would merit the decision, but because they themselves under no outside or inside threat freely choose to declare that they have made a bad decision earlier in their life, and celebrate it.

    • Katerina Simms Author at 11:26 pm

      Hi Fred,

      I thank you and respect you having and sharing your opinion. I don’t believe Matt handled the situation with the man at the supermarket in a fair and informed manner and that is what has precipitated my response. The man in question did not, or might not have wanted to divulge the details of why his marriages collapsed and how exactly his wives ‘changed’. As I mentioned in my article, change in a person can occur in differing ways within a relationship. Matt walked off in a huff and wrote an article that reads to be rather judgemental, when in fact he left with little to no details of what that man’s life might have entailed, which I find quite a common reaction towards divorcees. For all we know that man’s version of ‘change’ could be that his wives were unfaithful or they just turned cold and unreasonable, or whatever. It takes two people to make a marriage work, if one is being a dead weight, what is the other to do? Lump a bunch of vitriol from Matt Walsh apparently.

      As to your point of drug abuse or any abuse really. You can only help someone as much as they are willing to be helped and the people I mention in my article did that. However if the addicted do not wish to be helped the onus is not on their partner to be a whipping boy for their stuff.They need to at some point wake up and pull themselves together or lose it all. That’s not an ideal situation, but it is reality and part of being an adult. This goes double if there are children involved.

      I did address divorce as a whole, but because I felt Matt’s article and a lot of the ensuing comments largely feed a stigma that keeps people who do need to be leaving their marriages in them. I find this is a general attitude toward divorcees that is not needed nor helpful. I don’t agree with being cavalier about marriage but I also don’t agree with painting a set of people with the same brush.

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