How Long Should You Wait for Someone to Love You Back?

 Katerina Simms pulls a quizical face

Dear Bruised and Broken Hearted people of Internet Land,

They say they like you, but they’re not ready to be with you. They say they don’t want you to date anyone else, but they won’t make the same commitment to you in return. Should you wait for them to love you? How long should you wait? Do they really intend to make good on their promises?

These are the most common questions I get from my online followers, many of which have waited years for the love of their lives to love them back––but they rarely ever do. So this blog post is to dole out my sage advice, which is quite simple when you get down it. Here it is…

Stop waiting. Move on. Move on right now. If someone is willing to make you wait, they don’t love you. Not really anyway.

But I don’t get it, why would you say that Katerina?

Because 99.9% of the time the other person is playing games. They’ve turned their ‘victim’ i.e. the person pining after them, into an ego stroking device. They want someone, anyone, to stick round and make them feel desirable. In other words, they’re an emotional leech and your misery is their delight. They don’t really want you. They want the ego hit. And while they’re not investing much into you, they also don’t want anyone else to have you either. If that’s not selfish behavior, I don’t know what is. This is not the kind of person you want in your life.

No doubt you think your love is special. My advice is harsh, yes, but consider this… If you have the choice between someone who makes you wait some undefined amount of time before they’ll engage in a relationship with you, versus someone who’s actually enthusiastic about having you around––which one would you rather have? Even no one is a better option. And if you’d rather choose the cruel and controlling individual who doesn’t really want you, then you need to ask yourself why you’re set on hurting yourself.

Chances are––and I’ve seen this happen a lot––once you move on, this so called ‘love of your life’ is going to come back––more jealous and needier than ever. They’ll say they finally want you, they’ll throw a hysterical tantrum, all because you moved on with someone else––or found happiness on your own. And if we’re talking about someone with a narcissistic personality type––congratulations, you might you have cut off their ‘supply’, which might lead to some truly cataclysmic outbursts.

“The term (narcissistic supply) is typically used in a negative sense, describing a pathological or excessive need for attention or admiration…”source

You deserve better than waiting for someone. In fact, the best way to teach someone how you’d like to be treated, is to set some boundaries and stick to them. Remember, you don’t owe this person anything. If they aren’t willing to give you some mutual respect, you need to cut them off. And if you really are willing to wait, then set a reasonable timeframe in which they’ll make a decision whether or not to be with you. If they’re still unsure by then, find someone who is.

It’s important to note that in situations where you’re the one doing all the work, there’s always a chance that person is wasting your time whilst fishing for other opportunities. I’ve seen this happen a lot. The plan is usually to keep you around ‘just incase’ things don’t work with someone else. But if someone has asked you to wait, they also own the risk you’ll figure you deserve better and lose interest. Remember, it’s never your fault for moving on. Don’t allow others to blame you for showing a little self-care.

Who would you be without the drama?

Do you really need the epic love story, complete with the years long saga of ‘will they, won’t they’? Isn’t love on its own a big enough reward? You might waste years waiting to be with this one particular person, only to find you both don’t get along after all. Trust me, it happens. And there’s a part of you that likely already knows this person isn’t truly yours anyway. So why are you torturing yourself?

Finding a life partner comes down to three things: right person, right place, right time. At least at this moment you know the timing’s not right, and so find someone who IS ready to love you. Who knows, maybe in twenty years time, you and the one you’re waiting for will bump into each other and you’ll both be single. And then maybe the timing will be right. But right now it’s not, and there’s a whole world of people and places to explore while you absorb this simple truth: If you and this ‘love’ of yours were ‘destined’ to be, you would’ve gotten yourselves together and done so by now. And so…

Someone either wants to be with you or they don’t. Simple as that.

NOTHING you can do will change a person who doesn’t want to be changed. All you can do is ask the questions and let them take responsibility for their own responses. That’s it. When you allow others to manipulate you into waiting (especially for something that’s unlikely to happen) then you teach them that it’s okay to use your emotions for entertainment. You’re therefore equally at fault for their cruel games and just as much to blame. You are not a victim here. Stop acting like one. There’s no need for you to remain bruised and broken hearted. Trust me when I say you can do better.

Love,

Your cruel (to be kind) Aunty Katerina xox

If you like videos, I’ve created one just for this post. While you’re at it, you can sign up to my YouTube Channel or my Newsletter for post updates.


I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s post, I enjoy reading and responding to everyone’s comments, so feel free to say ‘Hello’ if you’d like.

Katerina Simms is a Romance Writer & Recovering Former Mermaid, born on a sunny Mediterranean island. These days she resides in Melbourne, Australia, where she spends her days writing novels and musing on her highly successful blog. For regular updates, feel free to Subscribe to her newsletter.

There are 5 comments for this article
  1. mykuljay at 8:49 pm

    Wonderfully written Kat’! I agree completely. If it’s there, it’s there. If it isn’t – move on. Life is too short. Enjoyed the video as well! You should do more of those. My best….Mike

  2. Roja at 2:04 pm

    Hi Kat !
    I would like to share my story ! Ur advise is extremely valuable to me. ..
    I loved this person who is my best friend … he used to care about me a lot.. we almost admired each other a lot .. and some how I started getting feelings towards him .. though we were best friends it was from my side that I started loving him and wanted him to be a part of my life since we were so compatible in everything we did.. finally I proposed him one day and he said he never saw me in that way .. since I had feelings for him very deeply and couldn’t afford to talk to him again since I felt guilty and couldn’t accept him as my friend which would be untrue from my side and so I stopped talking to him and maintained distance since I couldn’t imagine him not loving me back … but he came back to me and behaved closely in spite of knowing that I had feelings for him .. but he was clear he wanted to be my friend and cannot leave me … but his actions seemed as though he loved me … I started asking him to see me in a different way so that we can make a good couple .. I love him so much and can take care of him well and if we make a couple we would be really making up well… his words would say no but his actions were always moving closely with me .. I was completely confused … his words said something and his actions were something. .. one fine day he said he loved me but cannot give me a commitment because his parents were the most important people in his life and he can accept me completely only I’d his parents agree with our relationship … we became close day by day .. we were like bf ND gf and made a very good time … but after few months quarrel and misunderstandings took place .. we would fight a lot but those fights were only due to immense love and expectation from my side and him not giving time and love to me .. I was very much dissapointed .. I felt we were not happy together and felt he was not happy with me due to which he is not moving closely with me or not giving me time .. I called up for break up … he said he lobed me and his parent’s were the reason for him to behave like that to me .. I believed him .. I could feel that it was not happening but always he would say he loved me and he needs time .. I compromised in everything for his happiness. . Hoping for a better future I accepted all the sorrow .. I wad bound to him .. we finished our school and had to depart .. I stayed at my brother’s place .. after leaving he started ignoring me .. I wad worried and asked him what was the reason … he said he was busy .. I couldn’t bare this and rushed to him in flight and met him .. then he revealed that he never loved me and never saw me in that way .. he acted and lied before me because he didn’t want me to ruin my studies … I was shocked .. I asked him about the time we made up love .. he said it was nothing and it was my force that made him move closely to me .. my heart was broken .. I was shocked .. I still don’t understand what I really went through in my relationship. .. I completely compromised and stayed with him since he said he loved me too in spite of all the sadness I was bearing and stuck to my commitment. . At the end I’m left with only tears .. there were many situations where he himself approached me and we made up a good time .. there were situations where I felt things were not working and asked for moving apart where he did not agree. . Since I was the one to start the relationship though I was not happy with his behaviour I continued since he said he loved me and I didn’t want to break his heart .. since I loved him more than me .. and my desires expectations faded just for his happiness and the commitment. . But at the end I’m being blamed that I compelled him to love me .. I gave him opportunities to leave me .. y didn’t he leave me .. when I went away y he abruptly left me … during the school we had just both of us to be with each other .. we new none .. later we made friends .. after school we had to move to different places. . Please help me to figure out what happened .. I don’t know if waiting is worth or not .. he knows I’m going through a hard time and lot of pain.. but not taking any step .. such a person could sacrifice 2 years for my studies .. I don’t understand! Please help me Kate .. I might be wrong .. but I was true ! Whatever I felt I would let him know .. be clear in my views .. he lied everything in our relationship he agreed to it .. but says it’s for me and my studies because I’m dependant on him !

  3. confused lover at 6:44 am

    Wow, this made me cry cuz I’m goin thru this right now. It puts things in perspective that I needed to hear. It’s tough to let go but thank you for writing this!

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