Musician and blogger, Amanda Palmer, gave this TED talk back…
Dear Bruised and Broken Hearted people of Internet Land,
They say they like you, but they’re not ready to be with you. They say they don’t want you to date anyone else, but they won’t make the same commitment to you in return. Should you wait for them to love you? How long should you wait? Do they really intend to make good on their promises?
These are the most common questions I get from my online followers, many of which have waited years for the love of their lives to love them back––but they rarely ever do. So this blog post is to dole out my sage advice, which is quite simple when you get down it. Here it is…
Stop waiting. Move on. Move on right now. If someone is willing to make you wait, they don’t love you. Not really anyway.
But I don’t get it, why would you say that Katerina?
Because 99.9% of the time the other person is playing games. They’ve turned their ‘victim’ i.e. the person pining after them, into an ego stroking device. They want someone, anyone, to stick round and make them feel desirable. In other words, they’re an emotional leech and your misery is their delight. They don’t really want you. They want the ego hit. And while they’re not investing much into you, they also don’t want anyone else to have you either. If that’s not selfish behavior, I don’t know what is. This is not the kind of person you want in your life.
No doubt you think your love is special. My advice is harsh, yes, but consider this… If you have the choice between someone who makes you wait some undefined amount of time before they’ll engage in a relationship with you, versus someone who’s actually enthusiastic about having you around––which one would you rather have? Even no one is a better option. And if you’d rather choose the cruel and controlling individual who doesn’t really want you, then you need to ask yourself why you’re set on hurting yourself.
Chances are––and I’ve seen this happen a lot––once you move on, this so called ‘love of your life’ is going to come back––more jealous and needier than ever. They’ll say they finally want you, they’ll throw a hysterical tantrum, all because you moved on with someone else––or found happiness on your own. And if we’re talking about someone with a narcissistic personality type––congratulations, you might you have cut off their ‘supply’, which might lead to some truly cataclysmic outbursts.
“The term (narcissistic supply) is typically used in a negative sense, describing a pathological or excessive need for attention or admiration…” – source
You deserve better than waiting for someone. In fact, the best way to teach someone how you’d like to be treated, is to set some boundaries and stick to them. Remember, you don’t owe this person anything. If they aren’t willing to give you some mutual respect, you need to cut them off. And if you really are willing to wait, then set a reasonable timeframe in which they’ll make a decision whether or not to be with you. If they’re still unsure by then, find someone who is.
It’s important to note that in situations where you’re the one doing all the work, there’s always a chance that person is wasting your time whilst fishing for other opportunities. I’ve seen this happen a lot. The plan is usually to keep you around ‘just incase’ things don’t work with someone else. But if someone has asked you to wait, they also own the risk you’ll figure you deserve better and lose interest. Remember, it’s never your fault for moving on. Don’t allow others to blame you for showing a little self-care.
Who would you be without the drama?
Do you really need the epic love story, complete with the years long saga of ‘will they, won’t they’? Isn’t love on its own a big enough reward? You might waste years waiting to be with this one particular person, only to find you both don’t get along after all. Trust me, it happens. And there’s a part of you that likely already knows this person isn’t truly yours anyway. So why are you torturing yourself?
Finding a life partner comes down to three things: right person, right place, right time. At least at this moment you know the timing’s not right, and so find someone who IS ready to love you. Who knows, maybe in twenty years time, you and the one you’re waiting for will bump into each other and you’ll both be single. And then maybe the timing will be right. But right now it’s not, and there’s a whole world of people and places to explore while you absorb this simple truth: If you and this ‘love’ of yours were ‘destined’ to be, you would’ve gotten yourselves together and done so by now. And so…
Someone either wants to be with you or they don’t. Simple as that.
NOTHING you can do will change a person who doesn’t want to be changed. All you can do is ask the questions and let them take responsibility for their own responses. That’s it. When you allow others to manipulate you into waiting (especially for something that’s unlikely to happen) then you teach them that it’s okay to use your emotions for entertainment. You’re therefore equally at fault for their cruel games and just as much to blame. You are not a victim here. Stop acting like one. There’s no need for you to remain bruised and broken hearted. Trust me when I say you can do better.
Your cruel (to be kind) Aunty Katerina xox
I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s post, I enjoy reading and responding to everyone’s comments, so feel free to say ‘Hello’ if you’d like.